A True Dom? - A Tongue-In-Cheek Self-Examination
I admit, I get a little annoyed when I see titles that are somehow designed to set someone apart or make them seem superior. Members of the BDSM community spend a lot of needless time end effort, in my opinion, trying to distinguish their particular flavor of lifestyle or kink from someone else’s; who is harsher or more sensuous or somehow just plain more legitimate than the next guy. Basically, I find the efforts to label rather tiresome.
But then along comes the Dom who needs to distinguish himself and show some unique quality or characteristic that makes him more dominant or better qualified to lead a submissive than the next guy; the “True Dom.” Wow! I am not sure what qualifications one has to have or what degree one needs to earn in order to rise to that rank and title but it sure sounds impressive. Maybe some day I can aspire to that. Who knows?
So as I sit here sipping my Monday morning coffee, I am pondering what traits might make one qualified to be a “True Dominant” and how much work I might need to put in to achieve such a lofty position in my D/s life. As I look around Tumblr and elsewhere I see lots of images and words of what might make for a prototypical “True Dom.” Based on that alone I have a long way to go.
Let’s look at the wardrobe. I don’t wear leather pants and only put on leather boots and chaps when I ride my motorcycle…typically I do not wear them in the bedroom or elsewhere. Hmmm…strike one. My suits are not custom tailored in London, Paris or Milan but rather come from Brooks Brothers and J.C. Penney. I do own a rather nice tux but it only comes out for black tie dinners, usually for work. Hmmm…strike two. Accessories. Wow, I am really lacking in that department. My watch is not a Rolex. Hell I don’t even carry a watch any more; my watch is an iPhone. I do not own any studded collars or leather wrist cuffs. I don’t own any dark sinister looking sunglasses. Heck, I don’t even have any good jewelry, piercings or body art. Looks like I have a long and expensive road ahead of me to qualify on that score. Strike three…next batter.
Well then, let’s look at toys and play spaces. Hmm…it seems that a “True Dom” would have a dark and scary dungeon or at least some richly paneled room with deep mood lighting. Hell, not only do I not have a dungeon, I don’t even have a basement! Dig a basement where I live and you have what is commonly referred to as a swimming pool. I do have a guest room but uh, it is generally used for guests. It would be hard to explain the rack, cross, horse, and a wall of floggers, whips and crops to the visiting friend or family member. Oh, I do have a large walk-in closet with some very strong hangar rods to which someone could be tied but it would require moving a lot of clothes first. Well, strike one. What about all those implements of torture and discipline that a “True Dom” surely must have? I have a couple of toy drawers but you are not going to find a collection of hand made floggers, cuffs, and whips in there. My crops come from the local tack shop and the toys are pretty standard J.T.’s Stockroom stuff. I have some appropriately sized rope, some velcro padded wrist and ankle cuffs, a couple of rather nice blindfolds and a lovely collection of silk neckties to accompany a reasonable selection of off-the-shelf glass toys and vibrators. I don’t think any self-respecting “True Dom” would be caught dead with any of these, though I do have a Hitachi. I suppose the Hitachi is a start but still…strike two. I have no elaborate places to stretch, pin, or hang a sub. I have no cross on the wall; no tie down hard points on the floor, wall, ceiling, bed, or chairs; no horse to bend a sub over; and no elaborate sex enhancing cushions, swings, or slings. I do have four solid posts at the corners of my bed, a free-standing couch to bend her over, and a wonderful high backed upholstered chair with no arms perfect for draping her across my lap if that counts. Hmm…still doesn’t sound very “True Dom” like. Strike three. Next batter.
So what about my physique and how I carry myself? Based on the images I see and the words I read, a “True Dom” must be like a combination of Marlon Brando, the Marlboro Man and James Bond with maybe a touch of the Grim Reaper thrown in. Simultaneously rough and tumble, suave and sophisticated, dark and mysterious, but definitely in command at all times. I bear absolutely no resemblance to any of the aforementioned characters. I am average height, above average weight, bald and have my share of body hair. I have never seen anyone who looks remotely like me in any image on Tumblr. Strike one. I do not often turn women’s heads when I enter a room either by my physical presence or force of personality; in fact I can’t remember the last time that happened. A “True Dom” would surely have every woman in the room kneeling before he even crossed the threshold. Strike two. Surely a “True Dom” must be a leader not only of subs but of men. He must be the most charismatic guy around to whom not only submissive women but men of stature demure and defer. Hmm…I have a pretty good title at work but I do not lead any employees, I don’t hold officer positions in my volunteer fire company, and generally I blend into a crowd and work with the team as opposed to emerging as the natural leader. Wow, there is no possible way I could be a “True Dom” under those circumstances. I am not a leader of men how could I possibly be worthy of a submissive giving herself over to me heart, mind, body and spirit? Strike three…the side is retired. Game over.
Or is it?
The funny thing is that despite all these seeming handicaps and impediments to being a “True Dom”, I find myself to be rather consistently successful at it. How can this possibly be? Doesn’t it take the physique, charisma, bluster, bravado, apparel and trappings to be a good and successful Dom? Can an overweight middle-aged guy in off-brand jeans and a volunteer fire company t-shirt be a Dom worthy of kneeling before? Apparently so.
So if it is not all the things I lack that a woman would choose to give herself over to, what is it?
Its the one thing we all have but too few put to good use. The mind. The imagination. Awareness and empathy. The ability to anticipate needs and desires and to meet them. The ability to read others and speak and behave in a way that make someone feel comfortable and confident enough to want to give themselves utterly and completely to another. The ability to be respectful and respected. Possess these qualities and use them wisely and with integrity and it seems quite plausible that a “Dom” will find himself accompanied by a willing, eager, and devoted submissive. None of the other stuff seems to matter…not even a little bit. Or at least that is my experience.
So perhaps I lack a certain level of self-awareness and do not fully recognize in myself the qualities that would draw an intelligent, strong-willed, yet deeply devoted submissive to me. Yet there she is, my Muse; beautiful, sexy, sensuous, erotic, intelligent, strong-minded, and utterly devoted. I draw out a side of her that has never emerged before and that no one else has ever seen. She gives to me and does for me things she has never imagined, let alone done before. I inspire confidence and trust sufficient for her to bare not only her body but her soul to me. She allows herself to be vulnerable and exposed on every conceivable level. She trusts me, she yearns for me, she kneels for me, she desperately desires to please me, and we share a bond unlike any other in our respective lives. In turn, I am utterly devoted to her.
This didn’t just happen. I didn’t just stroll in one day and she dropped to her knees begging me to take her as my submissive. Nope. She took the time and made the effort to get to know me over a long period of time. She read carefully everything I had written and listened to everything I had to say in our months of messages back and forth and many conversations. She took measure of me and gauged my character and integrity. She found my mind to be sexy and desirable and found herself kneeling mentally long before we ever knew what each other looked like or had met face-to-face. She submitted completely and without reservation within the bounds of our hard limits in her mind long before her knees ever touched the floor. The words “Mine” and “Yours” were exchanged solely on the basis of our minds. The bodies simply followed along willingly and dutifully.
So much of what I write about on my For The Love of a Submissive blog is about the mental and emotional side of D/s because that is where I live. It seems I can have a very successful and gratifying D/s relationship solely on the basis of two minds coming together. Shortly thereafter is seems that two hearts follow and the bodies are not far behind. We feel. We communicate. We share. We do for each other what no one else can. Without even really thinking about it, we complete each other when we sink into our respective roles as Dom and Sub. It is effortless. We just go there with each other, and for each other, and no one else.
So does the fact that I can do this without all the appearance, charisma, wardrobe and trappings make me a “True Dom?” I don’t really care. My Muse and I exist successfully as Dom and sub in the world that we create for one another and nothing else much matters. A D/s relationship is as unique as the two people within it. It can be anything you want it to be and no one has to label it or you. As long as you and your D/s partner are getting everything you need mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, who really cares what you call it or where you fit in the complex scheme of the BDSM hierarchy?
I am a “True Dom” to the only person that matters in this equation; My Muse. What other people think of me is none of my business.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2012
Image Credit Unkown